Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Badda Bing Badda Boom - Dreams Crushed

 When I was a little girl I always had this dream of working in advertising.  I would look at magazines to check out the creative ads.  I used to watch the Superbowl just for the commercials.  I was going to be a big time advertising executive... not a burnt out transportation sales representative (save that for another day another blog).  I have such an imagination... that I could turn any situation into a commercial in my head.

For example... once I was at Home Depot and I was trying to get assistance from somebody and could not find a person to help me.  I obviously looked like I was needing help and when an employee would see me, they would literally run in the opposite direction.  How often does that happen???  So then I thought about it... this would be a great commercial for Lowes... you have a customer roaming around the store looking for the people in the orange aprons for help and they are hiding in the carpet rolls or something. Then the commercial  would flash over to the same customer at Lowes and they would be getting great help picking out paint smiling and laughing.  What a great commercial that would make... you knock down the competition!   All day I obsessed about how I would pitch my idea to Lowes. 

Well... years and years later and no advertising degree.. I sometimes still like to put myself in my own commercials.

The other night Solomon had a really hard practice.  Not only was it a cold night but because of the semi finals, these coaches worked these young athletes hard.  So we come home after a hard practice and it is dinner time, poor Sol is famished.   Still in his shoulder pads, a messy mohawk, and dirt on his face he says in his NY twang, "Mom, I am so starving."  Then in my June Cleaver voice I say, "You got it Son... go on up and take a shower... by the time you are done, I will have a fine meal ready for you"   So he eagerly emerges up the stairs and begins to shower.  I hike over to the fridge and frantically try and find something to cook.  I promised this kid a meal... I open the freezer and hear the ark angels sing... what do I find???   A frozen Bertolli Meal Bag.... Chicken Parmesan with Pasta.  Ready in 5 minutes!  Super stoked I get the pan on the stove and poor the pasta in and start to heat it up.  It smelled delicious... it looked delicious... but better yet... it was ready in 5 minutes!  I am stirring away and even sprinkled some fresh Parmesan cheese... made some garlic bread with sandwich bread.  Just as I began to plate the food and set it out, I hear the thunder of footsteps coming down the stairs.  This whole time I am pretending I am in an actual real Bertolli commercial with Italian music in the background and all.  Solomon sits down very impressed and starts to eat....and then I hear it... the record scratching in my head... Zachary takes one look at his plate and obviously dissatisfied with the portion size and says, "Where are we?  Africa?" 

We are just going to leave that part out of the commercial when I pitch it to the Bertolli company!

I guess Zachary is at that stage in life where he no longer has a problem cleaning his plate... so I can cut the "There are starving kids in Africa" speeches.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Turkey Confessions.

Okay... I have a major confession.  This is a bad one.  So last night being up with a sick kid I might have slept two hours.  I woke up this morning in a panic because I snored right through my alarm and woke up at 8:07 am.  (I have to leave the house at 8:30 to make it to school on time.) After working on Solomon's project yesterday I was super excited to watch him turn it in.  So the pep in my step this morning was motivated by that big smile everyone would give me when I turned in my turkey.  I mean, Solomon's Turkey.

I woke up Solomon and laid out his clothes.  In my Jack Bauer voice I say, "Solomon!  We have less then 20 minutes to put your clothes on, brush your teeth, spike your hair... and eat breakfast. Can you put on your clothes, brush your teeth, spike your hair while I go get your breakfast started?"  (Really I wanted to add chest hair to my turkey, but he didn't need to know that.)  "Can you do it Solomon?" 

Solomon says very dramatically, "YES MOTHER!  I CAN DO IT!" 

So I made a crazy dash down the stairs and threw a Pancake and Sausage corn dog in the microwave and poured a glass of milk.  Then I walked over to my creative laboratory, AKA homework table and I can't help but smile when I see my Turkey just sitting there.  I whoop out the black marker and am about to go to town on this turkey's chest when I hear Bubba come in.  (Bubba is my baby brother. Bubba is an artist!)   Bubba's magic touch is just what this Jive Turkey needed.  So I walked over to Bubba and handed him the sharpie marker and I said, "Make it happen!"  I don't know when Bubba grew a conscience... but I had to argue with him for a second because he started talking ridiculous about how this is supposed to be Solomon's project , that he should be doing it, and some other nonsense like that.  It took everything in me not to back hand him.  My nostrils must of been flaring pretty big, like Ice Cube big, because he grabbed the marker and reluctantly adorned my turkey with some chest hair.

Solomon descended down the stairs all ready to go like a big boy.  We take his Pancake Corn Dog and Milk to go.  When I usually walk the kids to class, I always have to come early to find a parking spot and fight through the sea of kids and parents, but today I was out of time and in a rush.  So I am doing my Jack Bauer voice in my head and asking myself... Do I park in the street or take my chances in the parking lot?  What do I do?  What do I do??  Finally I bust a U Turn to park on the side street and Solomon  decides to remind me that I am a horrible parallel parker.  He is right I am... but right now my adrenalin is pumping and I miraculously parallel park perfectly. We get out and we run.  In my left hand I am holding Mr. Jive Turkey and in my right hand I am dragging Solomon by his backpack.  Of course he is whining but I had to get to that class room to scope out the competition and get my smiles and comments from everyone. 

Extremely out of breathe I burst through the door like a ttornado only to find Mrs. Coley and her entire third grade class already on the carpet sitting quietly. A little embarrassed I set Mr. Jive Turkey on Solomon's desk and very nonchalantly scan over the other desks to see what the other kids had done.  The kids must of still had them in the backpack or something because I only saw one or two turkeys.   Well since my Jive Turkey had a backdrop... I felt real happy and accomplished, so I started to walk out the door and I had this huge smile on my face... like I just conquered world peace or something and then I saw it.  The rain on my parade.  The dagger straight to my heart.  A straggler.... an adorable little boy walking to the class holding his turkey (Think Jerry Maguire Kid) and he had this huge goofy cheesy smile (I recognized that smile because it was the same huge goofy smile I had on.) only his turkey was covered with buttons and rocks.  I have no idea what it was supposed to be, but it was very obvious that his dysfunctional mother did not do it for him.  He was so proud and so excited to turn in his turkey.  I did not recall Solomon even the littlest bit as excited as I was to turn in the turkey.

Here is the actual confession part.  Yes... it gets worse.   This is the part where I lose some notches on my parenting belt... where you will look at me with disgust and the part where I will lose my Mother of the Year Title for the tenth year in a row.  I get weak at the thought of admitting this out loud...

Solomon made a turkey by himself... a bumblebee.  But since I am always over the top and probably a bit psychotic, I talked him into letting me do another turkey.  He did help me a little bit... he sprayed the fro cotton balls and colored the turkey's shirt. But I know it is not the same thing.

You don't have to tell me... I am living in my own personal Hell of guilt.  I hate Mr. Jive Turkey and what he has made me.

Call me Blanche.

What happened to me?  Here I am up at 2:31 am with a yacking kid.  My 10 year old Zach has a mean cough. This is my life. It revolves around my children. It's nothing new.  Five years ago I was home on a Friday Night trying to stick a suppository up Zach's butt.  I remember sitting on my couch with Zach over my lap kicking and screaming... I think I was crying louder then he was.  9 years ago I was 8 months pregnant on bed rest because Mr. Solomon was trying to come early.  11 years ago I was ravaging through my trunk trying to find a clean pair of underwear so I can change out of my club outfit and go to work.   

What happened?  Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids.  Everyone knows that.  I don't even want to think about my life without them.  I just miss some things.  Like my thighs not touching.

I have crossed that invisible line of looking young and fresh to being a true Golden Girl in my thirties.  Friday night I went to a karaoke bar and did not get carded once. (By the way... The Humpty Dance is a lot harder to sing then it might seem. FYI) I went to bed that night actually contemplating if i should use my only morning off in 4 months to sleep in or go garage sale hunting.  Exhibit C... I chose the garage sales.  (Why does every garage sale always have a Christmas tree stand for sale?)  The next old lady thing I did was blurt out an obnoxious comment which is something only old people do.  Example, grabbing a garment off of a rack and asking the vendor how much for the costume, only to find out it was a favorite dress.

I need to hit reverse. Meantime.. I accept my fate.  Call me Blanche.

Create your own FACEinHOLE

Friday, November 12, 2010

The Devil in Disguise... as Tamales.

Well now that all the Halloween candy is just about gone... and all we have left are Almond Joys, Jawbreakers, and Dum Dum Pops... I thought it was safe to start my diet again.  

That was until this morning...   I am convinced that the Devil came to our door this morning disguised as tamales!  I mean really!    Seconds before the knock at the door, I was just planning (for the 18th time) how I would start my diet.  Then I heard the knock... I knew it had to be bad.  And it was... we had several tamales to choose from.

  Even last week Yogi (My mother) invited me to  join her and Agnes (Will talk about her later)  at the pool to do a water work out.  Me thinking that this is just a pool workout am overly confident and say "Sure!"  Now I have not done any kind of workout in over a month and a half.  Unless you count the time I pushed Nikki in the stroller to go pick up the kids at school.  I got to the top of the hill and needed a defibrillator and a ride home.   So I guess it does count!  Back to the pool... I enter the locker room and I immediately go to the scale to see where I am really at.  I am too embarrassed to say where I tipped the scale at... but I can tell you that once I saw my weight  I practically ran into the pool area and did a triple tuck quarter dive into the pool and started to get my work out on.  Shortly after, Yogi and Agnes joined me.  You would have to be there to believe it but Yogi transformed into the Suzanne Summers of Water Aerobics.   She had Agnes and I doing all kinds of crazy exercises.    "Hold your stomachs in!  Watch me!  Your not doing it right"  It was funny and I was pooped after. 

A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.  

And I am a 4 x 4.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Smarties (Not Beer) for your Horses!

Okay... super day.  Microwave version of my day is this.  Football Successes.  Solomon finished the season 9-0.  Now we have playoffs.  Zachary's team finished 1-8.  We won our last game with seconds on the clock, final score 26-20.  I thought surely I was going to have a heart attack!  Talk about your nail biters.  I just kept praying to God to let these boys win.  I said, "I know you love all the boys, but please just love our boys a little more." 

You would think the great games would of been the highlight of my day.  Or maybe the baby shower that I attended in between my two games where I won 4 Smarties Leis and the baby shower version of the Price is Right Game.   I never win anything.   It was a great day.  But I have to say the high light of my day was where I fed a horse candy at a gas station at 11 pm in Norco.

So let me set the scene up.  I just picked up Solomon at his friends house in Mira Loma... I am driving home and am very tired and it is late.  Around 11:00 or so. I pull into the gas station for gas.  I walk up to the window and there is no gas attendant.  I wait a minute.  Another minute goes by and now my wild imagination starts to take off.   Is their a robbery going on?  Is the guy dead in the bathroom?  I mean, where is he??  Just as I start to panic, I hear the sound of hooves hitting the pavement.  I turn around, and as if the situation could not get any weirder, 3 men roll up on horse back.  At this point I am freaking.  I am thinking... if their intent is to rob the gas station, they can't even do that because someone beat them to it!  The gas attendant is nowhere in site.  Let me describe the men on these horses.  Two of them looked like they just walked off of Dateline NBC's To Catch A Predator's Watch List.  The third was this hard core looking cholo. I was in the twilight zone. Finally, the gas attendant emerges from where else but the restroom. I give him my 9 bucks and make a mad dash to my car. At this point I am doing the super market sweep of gas pumping.  I am putting my cap back on and ready to blow out of there when I look up to find Horseman # 3 (cholo) and his steed staring down at me.  I am dead.  I am surely dead. In these seconds I am thinking about Zachary and Solomon... what should I tell them to do??  Should they run?  Hide?  The man says to me, and this is no exaggeration... "Do you have any carrots, apples, or pears in your car?"  Right now my eyes are closed because I don't want the man to see me look at him in case I have to identify him in a line up.  So I hear his question, I open my eyes and probably have the dumbest look on my face.  My mind is racing and the only words that came out of my mouth is "I have smarties."  (Remember I won 4 Smartie leis earlier in the day?)   He says, "Cool, can you give Applejack some?"  So I go grab the candy leis and start dumping the loose candys into my hand.  I get a good amount and walk over to the horse... wondering how am I going to do this ???   If the guy was a gentleman he would of got off his horse and taken the darn candies and fed the horse himself.  But no he tells me to put my hand out and feed him.  And me still fearing for my life does this and feeds the horse.  I thought he was going to eat my hand!  I just stood there and started to scream.  With every last candy devoured, the man says thank you and gallops away.  And I just stood there with slobber all over my hand and in shock.  I would like to see  Toby Keith and Willie Nelson sing a song about that!

And show me the gas station's security camera video.

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(I have to say the candies were actually smarties... not sweettarts.  But when i was speaking to the cholo, i did say I have Sweettarts.  So we all don't get confused, I just changed it to smarties.)

These Smartie Leis saved my life.
(Taken earlier in the day at the Baby Shower)

Pictures from that shower.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Start Time

Anybody who knows me knows that I sometimes can have a way with words.  I love to talk...  I talk too much!  (Insert Run DMC "You Talk to Much" here) So what is a better way to blab to myself and any other willing person who will listen?  A Blog! 

But first... A Disclaimer


So last year a wonderful thing happened.  My baby sister Dominique was eengaged to her long time boyfriend Wade.  Right when that happened I knew that in the near future I would be having to squeeze my butt into a dress.  So... the dieting and the crazy work outs began!  Month and month I pushed to lose weight.  With that dress as my prize.  Well one day I had to go get fitted for a gown and I did what every delusional bridesmaid would do and order a dress several sizes smaller. 

Very long story short.... the dress came in.  I had a better chance fitting in the Chilean Minors Capsule then i did in that dress.  I was doomed.  Thankfully, some handy work of a seamstress in a cubby at the El Monte Swap Meet took care of my problem for $30.00.   (PS if you ever need an amazing and affordable seamstress I got you covered).  So not too tragic ending... I learned a lesson and the wedding was fab.

Okay... so somewhere in between all that happening I was feeling pretty good.  I was actually fitting in size 16 clothes.  And when i say Size 16, I mean the human Size 16.  Not that European Asia crap sizes.   So I did what any delusional dieting person would do and sold ALL of my clothes that were a size 18 or bigger.  Which would of been fine and dandy if I had not gained 10 lbs after the wedding ended.   So... yesterday I get out of the shower to get dressed and to my surprise NOTHING, I mean NOTHING decent fits me.  So I just laid here in my towel and worked from my computer. 

Every since the weight gain 10 years ago... (that is not a typo... I have actually been fat for 10 years!)  I have struggled with this.  It was not until I listened to a sermon below from Pastor Chuck Booher of Crossroads Church in Corona that the light bulb went on. 

If any of you struggle with weight.. please take the time to watch the video below.  You can also listen to it if you prefer.  Just check out the website archives.  The sermon is called Freedom From Fat.

This sermon was the first revelation.  The other few were somethings my dear child Solomon has said to me in the last few days.

First comment
I was laying on the boys bed stretching and my lower stomach started to show and Solomon said, "Mom, you really have to do something about that!"

Second comment
I purchased the Jillian Michael's Shred video and wanted to watch it before I tried it, and Solomon walks in while I am doing this and says, "Ughhhh, shouldn't you be DOING the workout?"

And the cherry on the top of my fat sundae,
I was walking down the stairs at the kid's school and the sun was shining O so bright and Solomon looked up and me very sweetly and said, "Mom, thanks for the shade"

That did it.